what i have learned

Recently I have learned that you should always follow your heart, even if it breaks all of societies rules, even if you step on some morals, even if you know everyone is shaking their heads at you..just follow your heart. Adventures never happen to people who dont step out of their comfort zone and just go for it. Love is a risk and like any other big scary obstacle in our life we can get hurt. In life we are going to skin our knees and get our hearts broken, we will love and lose and love again...we will build up walls and have to build them higher after someone breaks them down. Some times you love so hard that you hold on even knowing that you cant have them in the end, because in that moment when you do have them...well your world is right and everything feels like your own little bubble. Some people will only love one person for the rest of their life, others can love over and over and give their hearts away freely. Ive learned that the one thing that can make you happiest in the world can also make you the saddest, and that sometimes you just have to let love go. It can be hard work, you have to talk about feelings and argue about the same thing endlessly, you will have to compromise and actually try to make the other happy. With love its all about the feeling, it doesnt matter if its wrong, its how it makes you feel thats right...after all no one said it was easy...they just said it was worth it. <3

alls fair in love and..wait loves not fair!!!

So since my last great update of life i have stopped talking to the guy i was talking to and started dating another. Well if your asking if this one is gonna last the answer is NO. I was basicaly filling you in that there was another guy but alas I ended things with him too. lol He was perfect. Well okay in girl world when we say what would be great in a guy ie( he sends good morning text, he agrees with whatever I say, he would go anywhere to see me, he calls me beautiful all the time) he was perfect..but not for moi. I have actually beaten my two week rule though, he lasted almost a month...two days short actually. Which I can say that if me and Dishaal were actually together when we were talking he would have the record at like four months. So I know that if anyone has read my other blogs I usually ramble on about a guy and all that good stuff and i have probably bored yall outa your minds. (  I am southern so yes I say yall). so I will end my guy topic on the fact that I am now bak to talking to Dishaal...well not exactly talking because we both like being single and have no time what so ever to even consider a relationship but in basic form we are talking at night regularly and making out (since Im abstinent that is the extent of sexual content). so on to the actual topic that I was thinkin about...graduation. I am graduating in basically 62 days!!!! then my mom is getting married. yes right after my grand moment of adulthood my mother has decided to tie the knot to a guy that loves the fact that the world revolves around her. Which im not sayin that me and my mom dont get along, she just has this mentality where its allllllll about her. I live with my dad so of course she doesnt really have to take care of me and i have a job so I have expenses covered but really she could at least want to help me out and be involved with what I do and wear and stuff. I feel that she just doesnt know what to do with me...she had me at sixteen and out of 17 years she has been a major part like...6. So you can see where I find it a little unfair. I have a little brother though...and of course he was the wanted one and of course he is a planet on her solar system...I feel like a comet..in and out of her solar system not really fazing anything....but yeah graduation should be fun..Im thinking of singing "for good" from Wicked! which I have officially seen this pawst weekend and of course it was beyond wonderfulllll! and since my grades are reasonably good I will hopefully graduate with high honors....alright enough of this i really need to do virtual school. =)

problemmms

So I have gotten myself in some sort of mess. I have to find out how to break things off with the guy i am talking to right now while keeping our friendship in tact. I also have a new guy friend that I am very scared that I might get to attached after a while but I really like talking to him. They say that guys and girls cant be friends because it usually ends up that one falls for the other or some other catastrophy that ends the friendship. So you can understand my relunctance to start friendship with the opposite gender. on top of all this im still interested in this guy that i was talking to a couple of months back. He didnt want a girlfriend at the time and now..idk. but he doesn really talk that much so I have to initiate most conversation which I can do but I never know what he is thinking and I dont want to annoy him so...greatttt stuff right.

Okay to say that I am bad at relationships would happen to be the understatement of the year! I have a big Scarlett Ohara problem, for those of you who have not read Gone with the Wind this means that I want what i cant have and once I get it I dont want it anymore. So you can imagine that the guys in my life never last very long(I call it my 2 week rule). Im not clueless to this problem and i dont have any parental issues or any of those other issues that emotionally distant people tell their therapist they have. I simply cant seem to keep interest in a guy for very long. My friends and I have concluded that I love the thrill of the chase, and as accurate as that is you will be suprised to know that I have actually fallin in love through all my wacked  hairbrained chases.  The longest relationship I have ever been in lasted 2 months which turned into one of the best friendships I ever had(until he moved and turned into a jerk), but even after he moved we talked and he came to visit me and I was hooked. Of course through that all i had other guys and infatuations and at one time i had an infatuation so mind blowing that I thought I was in love. Now back to my pessimism I have recently been talking to someone for going on 2 months and though its comfortable Im pretty sure its not going anywhere, and that I am only sticking in it because I want to prove to myself i can. i dont feel any spark, and we were friends beforehand so conversation is not a problem. I just dont see a future for it that i will actually develop overfriendly feelings for him. Oh and back to the guy i was in love with we had a big falling out after I realized that he was more important to me than i was to him and i have not contacted him in 3 months(this is a big thing). So here I am in a partial relationship i see going nowhere my heart on the mend and to top it all off Im pretty sure Im going to end up an old maid if I cant find someone to keep me interested for a long period of time. So this is just another one of those things where I had to get some stuff off my mind and figured that i would just put it on my venting and rambling page. I dont know what I want at this point maybe my standards are just really high and noone can make me see them clearly, but why should i lower my standards when someone that has it all might be out there...?

just...well rambling

Senior year is tough and expensive. I have had to choose my battles very wisely lately to be able to fit everything in with cheerleading and student council and college classes I have no time for anything anymore. All my Fridays feel like Mondays now. Well the only good thing is that the ACT is being held the same place as the game tomorrow so it will be an easy comute from nannys to the highschool..twice. I have a movie date with Dishaal on Sunday to rewatch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. That is if I get to go. Since I didnt call Tam and tell her that I got the okay to stay at nannys I have a feelings she is goin to be mad though. I was talkin to her about it last night though, she even suggested callin in the morning. So I think I will be okay because we had already confirmed it and junk. I dont know how i feel about this situation with him yet though...I mean I am completely comfortable around him and stuff and when i talk to him over the phone it feels right..but Idk i guess I am just overanalyzing it as always. well Im off to look over my ACT prep packet and going to bed. After all I do have to wake up at six tmm.

just tossing around the meaning of love...excuse the grammer =)

love...what is it really? this crazy amazing infatuation that we have for others. Is it just lust with a different name?
Is it real? or do we just take the fond feelings that we feel for someone that we can stand to be around for long periods of time and call it love so that we wont be alone?
What exactly is the difference between love and infatuation?
 both are strong emotions drivin by feelings for another...and why exactly are we as humans so infatuated with star crossed lovers and love that ends tragically?
 I think that shakespeare and all the other poets and play writes had a twisted sense of love..or maybe they had it right and we have it wrong..maybe the quick burst of love prompted by lust is the most special
I mean think of it this way...The terror and adrenaline rush of the fact that they cant be together represents a challenge and as humans we love a challenge especially when it has deep emotion in it that makes the pain increase..I mean do we get off  on the pain of lovers..or are we so desperate to find our own lover that the fact that love conquers all is catalyst that makes us believe that anything is possible if we love hard enough..but you see the problem with that is that sometime, somewhere, and somehow  someone is going to end up hurt. because honestly we see the lovely Happily ever after sign at the end of a book or a movie and that is suppose to give us some magic hope that we are going to have someone that we will love forever.
Wrong! Okay so maybe Tristan and Isolde and Romeo and Juliet didnt get a happily ever after..they lost their love faster then they wanted and had to live the rest of their lives well okay Isolde had to spend th rest of her life knowing that he is gone, but honestly isnt getting a happily ever after the same thing? I mean yeah you get more time together..40 or 50 years if your lucky, but then the inevitable happens..we die! So is love really worth the heartache of suffering without the one you have been with for half your life? And again is it the fear of loneliness that drives us to the brink of love? Because in the end either way; love or no love we die...so is it better to live with the lonliness knowing that love might or might not be just an infatuation or a challenge or a gap filler for who knows what your missing in your life? Or do you set all reason aside and
go with the feeling that you have found someone that totally completes you and makes you dileriously happy? I mean is love some phrase or is it a feeling so intense and strong that we feel like the oxygen in our lungs is about to explode everytime we are around them..and that we dont want to have a world were they are not in it? Which leads me to the fact that if said love exist..is there only one person out there that completes you? is that the cause of all the divorces now? or is love something that we make? something that develops for a person overtime until we are just sure that thats the person that we want to spend the rest of our lives with? can we be happy without that completeness and fool ourselves into thinkin we are in love?
is that all we do? we hear the term love and want what shakespeare wrote about so badly that we fool ourselves into thinkin that what we feel is love? maybe it exist maybe it dont..maybe love doesnt come with answers its all about questions that cant be answered...about feelings that cant be described..maybe love is the battle between or heart and our mind? the logical part of us and the part that only feels..do we interpret love or just let it be...but wouldnt it be so much more enjoying to just throw logic to the wind and live in the moment..play with our feelings and be well happy? Does love actually exist? That is the
question and honestly I cant answer..but you ask any of the other thousands of people who are in said love and they will probably tell you it does and that its like nothing you have ever felt before.. I guess we all just have to figure it out on our own..

first blog...nightmare night

So let me start by saying I SUCK at directions like legit. So Im staying with my pop for the weekend and decide to make a nice little coffee run. The store is less than 5 minutes away and Im pretty confident about knowing where I am at this point( I had already used my gps to get to his house). So on the way back I apparently turn down the wrong road and luck would have it Im lost...Now let me tell you my pop lives in like suburbia so ALL the houses and streets look alike and its like 11 at night so of course its dark and Im freaking out because well IM LOSTTT! So I finally figure out that Im not going to find the right street so I pull over to the side of the road and put Karen in( Karen is what i named my gps) and come to find out Im only one road over from where the house is...So I find my way out of that mess and you think that my luck would return.WRONG! I pull up to the house and see this guy standing in the middle of the road just staring at me..so i walk(power walk) to the door go to twist the knob and...its locked! Now i know what your thinking just knock. Well you see the problem with that is that it would wake the other people up and Im not gonna do that. So I call my Pop to come open the door....no answer! Now i hope you didnt forget about the guy in the street cause I surely didnt, he was still there watching me..while im calling away to get inside he  is just standing there being all creeper like( my friends would call him a lurker but I choose to use my own words) So after my 7th time calling..while hiding behind a truck I decide to call my friend Heather..which in my time of crisis laughs and tells me the smart thing to do( I would pretend to tell you that it was my idea but you probably wouldnt have believed me anyways) but anyways Heather tells me this brilliant thing called knocking on his window!! So i sneak around to his window and start knocking..3 minutes of knocking later I get a blind lifted up..IM SAVED!! So I would say the moral of this story is to be prepared for anything..but honestly not many people would be caught in this situation. So Im gonna tell you that if your gonna go for coffee make sure its the big cup cause you never know when your gonna be sittin behind a truck at 11 at night calling for a way into the house.